I am thankful that I am in a location that gives me strength. How many people get power and comfort simply from the location in which they live? I keep sadness and lifely problems out of my blog as a general rule. After all, everyone has problems. Mine are certainly not the most tragic by any means. No one wants to read about sadness, as it is catching. I myself often insulate myself from other’s troubles as not having enough emotional energy to deal with them when I don’t have to. It’s a protective response. But this is also a place to put my thoughts and to reach out when I can make myself reach out to the general public. Did you know that puts me in a position of feeling vulnerable? That is not a condition I often allow myself to be in. It’s strange, but here I am, writing. And not only here, all over the place I am reaching out to my friends and support networks. So feel free to read or not, whatever you are able to do.
As most of you know, well maybe not, my husband and I are permanently separated. We were together over 20 years and he is the loving father of my children. We had many good years together before things started going south. He is going through liver failure so I can’t say this was unexpected. It doesn’t make it any easier. Last week he was admitted to his local hospital. They drained 3.5 liters of fluid from his abdomen. To spare you all the details, this is a normal situation from liver failure. He has been home for a few days but not feeling well at all and in a lot of pain. His esophagus ruptured this morning. This is also pretty common in liver failure. They life flighted him to OKC (thank God). They did the TIPS procedure, repaired the tear. He is in a coma and has a 50/50 chance of surviving the next 24-48 hours. I talked to his ICU nurse earlier. A note about that: I really now have a great respect for ICU nurses. She gave me the information that I needed very matter of factually. The information itself was not reassuring, but she was. Just that she could say these words in such a normal tone of voice was a comfort. She wasn’t condescending at all or sappy either. She offered me as much information as she had as well as what I might expect in the upcoming days. I appreciated the straight talk. She didn’t ask me if I knew what I was asking when I asked for the numbers from his blood gases where even. How can you tell these things to someone and still be comforting? Now that is a unique skill.
They said he might have renal failure and the amount of ammonia in his brain is problematic. They can give him medicine for that though. They don’t know what his cognitive level will be if he survives. He lost almost 3 liters of blood so they had to give him a lot. They will do a CAT scan in the morning to check on his abdomen. These are also all common in this situation. That doesn’t mean it’s easier, just that it’s not a mystery.
Jordan (13) didn’t want to go to school today so I didn’t make him of course. That is his normal reaction to stress. Home is comfort. Olivia (9) wanted to go to school which was fine for her of course. She loves school and the distraction and support she got there was good too. It really makes me wonder about gender differences.
So, that is all for now. We just have to wait and see. So if any of you would like to say a prayer, light a candle, or send out good thoughts to the universe, please feel free to do so on our behalf.