3 years ago today, Justin died at 11:55 pm with only myself in the room. I had called his brother and sister back to the hospital as I knew it would be soon. It was a 90 mile drive and they had planned to take a day off from coming up to the hospital. But they had just went out for a break. I think he was waiting for the privacy to leave in peace and to lesson the shock to as many people as he could. I wasn’t going to go read what I posted on my blog during that time but I just did.
I’ve spent the evening playing my fiddle. I had always wanted to play the fiddle. That thought had become even stronger when I moved to Alaska. After all, you can play a fiddle in a forest, on a mountain top, on the tundra. You can play it in your house, at a party, or around a campfire. You can enjoy it with friends or by yourself. So when I got my one time only “Widow’s Benefit” from Social Security of a whopping $255, I took it down to my local music shop, bought a used fiddle and spent the rest on getting my lessons started. It has been a salve for my soul when it was feeling broken. It has helped me celebrate my achievements and happiness. It was a good investment in living my life to the fullest.
Justin had a lot of things left that he wanted to do in his life. So I figured I better stop waiting to do those things I wanted to do. You can always find a reason to put things off. You can tell yourself you should wait until you have more money, the kids are older, wait until you have more time. But that’s a trap. There is no more time. I frequently revisit that thought. There is no more time. I question myself. “Am I using the limited time I have left to the best of my ability?” I think I am. I am trying to at least. I not only want to live a full and adventuresome life but I want to be a good role model for my kids.
Sorry this is rambling. It’s 11:15 and I am acutely aware of the time. As the minutes tick off, I am going to go look at and load some pictures.
Well I just realized all my good pictures of him are on my old computer that Jordan now uses so this is it for tonight. 11:39 pm