3 years ago today, Justin died at 11:55 pm with only myself in the room.  I had called his brother and sister back to the hospital as I knew it would be soon.  It was a 90 mile drive and they had planned to take a day off from coming up to the hospital.  But they had just went out for a break.  I think he was waiting for the privacy to leave in peace and to lesson the shock to as many people as he could.  I wasn’t going to go read what I posted on my blog during that time but I just did.

I’ve spent the evening playing my fiddle.  I had always wanted to play the fiddle.  That thought had become even stronger when I moved to Alaska.  After all, you can play a fiddle in a forest, on a mountain top, on the tundra.  You can play it in your house, at a party, or around a campfire.  You can enjoy it with friends or by yourself.  So when I got my one time only “Widow’s Benefit” from Social Security of a whopping $255, I took it down to my local music shop, bought a used fiddle and spent the rest on getting my lessons started.  It has been a salve for my soul when it was feeling broken.  It has helped me celebrate my achievements and happiness.  It was a good investment in living my life to the fullest.

Justin had a lot of things left that he wanted to do in his life.  So I figured I better stop waiting to do those things I wanted to do.  You can always find a reason to put things off.  You can tell yourself you should wait until you have more money, the kids are older, wait until you have more time.  But that’s a trap.  There is no more time.  I frequently revisit that thought.  There is no more time.  I question myself.  “Am I using the limited time I have left to the best of my ability?”  I think I am.  I am trying to at least.  I not only want to live a full and adventuresome life but I want to be a good role model for my kids.

Sorry this is rambling.  It’s 11:15 and I am acutely aware of the time.  As the minutes tick off, I am going to go look at and load some pictures.

Good night.

Some where along the Denali Highway



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Red Green Regatta



Well I just realized all my good pictures of him are on my old computer that Jordan now uses so this is it for tonight.  11:39 pm


4 thoughts on “11:55

  1. Bill Houghton says:

    Hey Gal, just found your blog. Sorry for your loss. I lost my wife back in April 2004 from a bunch of things. She had open heart surgery Feb 9th and Never really woke up, passing on April 26.
    I’m on two of the survival forum’s as williepete. I love your posts on Alaska.


    • cloud9doula says:

      Hey Bill! Yes I know you as Williepete. I really have let my blog go these last few months. I have sooo much to post but no time to do it. Maybe I’ll get working on it again soon.


  2. I’m so sorry for your loss, Georganne. I want to say more but I don’t know how or what to say. Thank you for sharing that part of your life. Hugs to you my friend….


    • cloud9doula says:

      Thank you Matilda. Don’t worry, there really isn’t very much to say. It was traumatic, terrible, life changing obviously. But as I pick up the broken pieces of my life, I find I am able to put them back together to become the person I want to be.


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