3 years ago today, Justin died at 11:55 pm with only myself in the room. I had called his brother and sister back to the hospital as I knew it would be soon. It was a 90 mile drive and they had planned to take a day off from coming up to the hospital. But they had just went out for a break. I think he was waiting for the privacy to leave in peace and to lesson the shock to as many people as he could. I wasn’t going to go read what I posted on my blog during that time but I just did.
I’ve spent the evening playing my fiddle. I had always wanted to play the fiddle. That thought had become even stronger when I moved to Alaska. After all, you can play a fiddle in a forest, on a mountain top, on the tundra. You can play it in your house, at a party, or around a campfire. You can enjoy it with friends or by yourself. So when I got my one time only “Widow’s Benefit” from Social Security of a whopping $255, I took it down to my local music shop, bought a used fiddle and spent the rest on getting my lessons started. It has been a salve for my soul when it was feeling broken. It has helped me celebrate my achievements and happiness. It was a good investment in living my life to the fullest.
Justin had a lot of things left that he wanted to do in his life. So I figured I better stop waiting to do those things I wanted to do. You can always find a reason to put things off. You can tell yourself you should wait until you have more money, the kids are older, wait until you have more time. But that’s a trap. There is no more time. I frequently revisit that thought. There is no more time. I question myself. “Am I using the limited time I have left to the best of my ability?” I think I am. I am trying to at least. I not only want to live a full and adventuresome life but I want to be a good role model for my kids.
Sorry this is rambling. It’s 11:15 and I am acutely aware of the time. As the minutes tick off, I am going to go look at and load some pictures.
Well I just realized all my good pictures of him are on my old computer that Jordan now uses so this is it for tonight. 11:39 pm
We finally made it home this afternoon after a long day of flights. Seems we just about missed fall. I hate that most of the birch trees have already lost their leaves. But there are still some colored in gold. That’s ok though, I know I’ll see them next year in all their glory.
The funeral was the 16th. I am so thankful that the funeral director was able to trim him up as he had been too weak for the last several weeks to shave. It was a nice ceremony as far as those things go. I wish I would have looked behind me at the funeral but didn’t think of it at the time. They tell me the little church was full with the exception of only a few people on the back two pews. I did notice that the line of cars in the processional to the grave side was very long. That made me feel good for some reason. My parents drove me to the grave side service and my dad said that you can tell the measure of a man by how many show up at his funeral. With the exception of the problems he had the last few years, Justin was loved by many.
So now, to get on with life. The kids and I are used to living our day to day life without him physically here. But we did talk several times a week and even when he was so sick the weeks before, he would still talk to the kids when he was able to. I am mostly sad that my kids will have to settle for just me now. My daughter wont have him to give his masculine opinion on boys she will be dating or to walk her down the aisle when the right one comes along. My son wont have him to work on cars with and teach him how to build stuff. I wont have him to tell me he is proud of me and that I am doing a good job with the children. I don’t know all the stuff I need to know. Children are supposed to have two parents, whether they live together or not. One parent can not know all the things they need to be taught or exposed to. Anyways, I am tired and guess I am rambling. I guess I’ll get it all figured out somehow. Other women do it and raise wonderful children too, right?
Justin passed away on Sept. 12. The kids got to see him. I was holding his head in my arms when he took his last breaths. That is a time that is currently keeping me awake at night but I’m sure it will ease in time. Services are Friday, Sept 16, 2pm at the Road To Eternity Church in Duncan, OK.
What a difference 10 years make. Sept. 11 2001 I was a mere days from giving birth to our beautiful Olivia Marie. I spent many long hours those last few days of pregnancy watching the horror on the news and contemplating the world I was bring my child into. 10 years later, Sept. 11 2011 had me sitting in a hospital room saying goodbye to her father who had been part of my life for 25 years. We were married in September and said our final goodbyes in September. I am thankful that the cancer he was full of, did not give a chance to make him linger in pain.
Thank you all for your thoughts and prayers. They give me strength. Your donations allowed our children and myself to say goodbye and be with the rest of our family in a time when family is so very important. We are able to lean on each other and are all just getting through this the best we can.
Since I am on a borrowed computer I am not able to update often. Also, this takes an amount of energy that I no longer have in reserve. I’ll post when I am able. I’m sure you understand.